LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE DALLAS V. LOS ANGELES MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER MATCH BROADCASTING LIVE, ON NBC SPORTS–NOW, IF YOU’LL PLEASE RISE FOR OUT NATIONAL ANTHEM. NOW, BEFORE ANYONE GETS VICIOUS, PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS PRECOIOUS SINGER, WHO WILL REMAIN UNNAMED, IS ONLY 11 YEARS OLD. AND, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE RAISE OUR CHILDREN IN A CULTURE THAT BELIEVES CLASSIC MELODIES SUCH AS “THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER”, ARE MEANT TO BE INTERPRETED LIKE THIS. BUT, THAT BEING SAID–OH MY GOD!!! ALL IN ALL, THIS PERFORMANCE WAS MORE THAN 3 TORTUROUS MINUTES LONG–WAS SHE NOT AUDITIONED? DID THET JUST LET HER WALK ONTO THE FIELD COLD, RIGHT OFF THE TRUCK? WELL, I GUESS AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT’S REALLY NO WORSE THAN HER FUNKY GRANDMA’S VERSION FROM BACK IN JANUARY.

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Airport workers in the U.K. are in for it at the Manchester Airport….because they were outsmarted by an 11 year old.It has just been discovered that in almost the exact same plot as Home Alone 2, a boy named Liam Corcorom ran away from his mother at a mall yesterday, and he somehow got to the airport 3 miles away by himself and boarded an international flight to Rome, through 5 security checks, without a guardian, or a passport, or a boarding pass. And he did it the same way Kevin McCallister did it, except he did it on purpose. He tailgated a family all the way onto the plane. And no one noticed. And that plane took off. Eventually some passengers caught on, told on him and the crew ended up flying him immediately back to England…right before a number of staff members were suspended and his mother found out.Unfortunately when he arrived at his destination, he wasn’t taken in by a homeless pigeon hoarder.British airport security is extremely upset after an 11-year-old somehow managed to board a plane and fly from the U.K. to Italy without a guardian, boarding pass or passport. He had run away from his mother during a shopping trip.

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JOEY LEAPHART WALKED INTO A WALMART IN GROVETOWN, GEORGIA, AND SUDDENLY FOUND HIMSELF IMMERSED IN A VERITABLE WONDERLAND OF BEAUTIFUL, PINK TEENAGE FEET–JUST RIPE FOR WORSHIP. NOW, OL’ JOEY HAD A REPUTATION AROUND THESE PARTS, SO HE KNEW THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO BE WILY WHEN APPROACHING ONE PARTICULARLY TOE-SOME 18 YEAR OLD GIRL. HE WALKED UP TO THE YOUNG LADY WITH APLOMB, AND TOLD HER THAT HE WAS WITH AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, AND HAHA WOULDN’T IT BE HILARIOUS IF HE COULD TAKE A QUICK PICTURE OF HIMSELF KISSING HER FEET? HE EVEN OFFERED TO BUY HER 100 BUCKS WORTH OF SWEET WALMART LOOT FOR HER TROUBLES. WELL, THAT APPARENTLY WAS AN OFFER SHE COULDN’T REFUSE–SO THE TWO EAGER TELEVISION HOPEFULS DUCKED BEHIND A CLOTHING RACK FOR A BIT OF PRIVACY. IT WAS HERE THAT PRINCE LEAPHART DROPPED TO ONE KNEE, SLID THE GUILDED FLIP FLOP FROM HIS COURTESAN’S HOOF, AND PROCEEDED TO CRAM HER ENTIRE FOOT INTO HIS MOUTH LIKE A WRITHING, PINK GOBSTOPPER. AFTER MUCH SHRIEKING ON HER PART, JOEY FINALLY RELEASED HIS QUARRY, AND BOUNDED AWAY YELLING “OOOOH, IT TASTED GOOD THOUGH!” NOW, IF EVERYONE WILL OPEN YOUR REGISTRIES TO PAGE 37, YOU’LL NOTICE…

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